I have so very many things on my mind tonight as I sit and stare at the computer. I have no idea what to write. I am just sitting and trying to make sense of all the stuff going on in my life right now. I can hear the thunder rumbling outside and occasionally the room lights up from a flash of lightening.
I'm not even sure if it is raining right now, but I'm guessing that it will be soon.
I have always been afraid of the weather. Not like screaming and running to hide under the bed-type afraid. But I do usually feel a knot form in my stomach when the wind blows too hard. I'm not sure why.
Maybe I'm afraid because weather is so unpredictable. My life may be chaotic and unplanned, but the "real" unknown is a fear of mine. To me the weather is a huge unknown and on top of that it has power that we can't control. That is another fear of mine-things I can't control. I don't care about controlling trivial things like people or personalities...I want to control the big stuff like keeping my family safe and healthy. I'm not sure that I can always keep them safe from the weather.
Maybe I'm afraid because the weather is such a vivid reminder of God and His strength to me. It is impossible for me to see the breeze blow through the trees and not think of how amazing He is. Or watch raindrops land on the windshield and not be baffled at how He created everything so perfectly. So when the weather gets a little rough, it makes me feel like maybe God is angry. I sometimes feel as though God is going to get tired of me not living life as He intended...and the storm is His anger rising. In reality I know that God won't wash me away because I am not perfect. Honestly, I suppose I think that He probably should because I fail Him so often.
I know that salvation is not about being perfect. I know without a doubt that salvation is all about God's amazing grace and forgiveness. I know that because I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, I will spend my eternity in Heaven with Him. I have no doubts. What I do have is a lack of the ability to grasp the reality of grace. God's word tells me that His grace is enough and my heart believes Him. But my head tells me that I am a total failure at being a follower of Christ. I am such a mess.
Tonight in bible study, I was talking and got so lost in what I was saying that I completely forgot my point. If you have ever been around me or read this blog, you know that happens to me pretty much every time I open my mouth. Completely annoying to those around me, I know everyone wishes I would keep my mouth closed. It's completely frustrating to me because I feel as though I have so much to say to others. Christ has carried me through so many struggles and brought me through many difficult situations in my life. I want so much to be able to use my testimony to reach out to others who may be hurting or searching for answers. I want to offer them the hope that I found. I want to point them to Jesus.
Mr. Wonderful and I were at a youth leader conference a few years ago. I loved the illustration that one of the speakers used. He said that he was "just the arrow." His job was to point to the Light. When teenagers came to his class or asked for his help, he just pointed them to Christ. He was really funny, too, because he kept saying, "Don't look at me...I'm just the arrow!" Guess you had to be there....What I'm trying to say is that I want to be an arrow for people. "Hi. My name is Holley. Allow me to introduce you to my friend, Jesus." Oh, how I wish I could do that. I feel like that is exactly what Joyce Meyer does every time I listen to her or read one of her books. She just helps me to find Jesus. When I find Him, I find all the answers I am searching for. I watch her and think of how great it would be to have the spiritual gift of evangelism. To stand in front of people and simply direct them to Christ. How wonderful to be so great with words. How wonderful to speak and get your point across to others with such ease. How wonderful to open your mouth and NOT forget your purpose for speaking.
Back to being a failure and mess, I know that none of that matters to God. I believe that Jesus lived a perfect life without sin and then died on the cross in my place. I believe that He rose from the dead three days later. I have asked Jesus to come into my heart and have asked for forgiveness. Because of that all of my sins are covered. When God looks at me He doesn't see them. He has forgiven me. I know that His grace is sufficient.
The problem is that I just want to be better for Him. I want my life to be an offering for Him. I want to be the daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend that He needs me to be. I want to live a life that directs everyone I come into contact with to Him. I realize that I don't have to be an evangelist to do that...but at least having the ability to carry on an intelligent conversation would be helpful. Oh, by the way, it still hasn't rained and the thunder and lightening stopped.
I know that this is changing directions, but I am doing it on purpose this time!! Back in July I blogged the post "Skinny-Fat? Yuck!" about Mr. Wonderful's health issues and said that we were starting to work out and diet and that I would keep you updated. Well, I never updated and that is because we never did it. We exercised several times, but were just lazy and stopped. Unfortunately, we still eat like a bunch of college frat guys and never even tried to diet. He hasn't lost any weight and is actually feeling worse. I don't think the weight has anything to do with it though. He was feeling better for several weeks and we thought things were finally getting back to normal. Not anymore. There is something going on in his body that the doctors haven't found yet. I know it. I can feel it. I look at him and I can see it. I talk to him and I can hear it. I pray for him and I can sense it. There is more going on than just low blood platelets. I'm not sure if they are connected or not. He is tired almost to the point of being lethargic at times. He is distant. He has headaches. He has pain in his arms and legs that never seems to go away. He is weak. He has bags under his eyes. He just isn't himself. He is frustrated beyond words. He is fighting it and trying to live a normal life, but I know that it just gets harder on him every day.
We have both done lots of research and are searching for anything that matches his symptoms. Please, don't be alarmed! We don't think it is anything horrible going on. We just know that he is miserable and we have to find out what it is so that it can be corrected. We are praying every day for answers. We are doing the best we can with our current situation. Until now we have been telling people that he is getting better. I'm actually not sure how he will feel about this post. (Don't worry, I'll ask him before I publish it. I always let him read them first because I love him and trust him and respect his opinion.) We haven't been telling people he was worse because we don't want anyone to worry. I am coming clean about it now because we have made an appointment with a specialist but it isn't until December. I feel that it is necessary to ask for everyone to pray for wisdom and guidance for this doctor. I am confident that God has a plan and that He will take care of us.
Again, please do not be alarmed by this prayer request. Mr. Wonderful is fine. We have absolutely no major concerns for his health. We are just ready for the appointment so that we can get him feeling better as quick as possible. Please remember him and the specialist in your prayers. Thank you and love and prayers for you all!
