A Holy Example

The past few days around my home have been pretty miserable. Addie woke up sick with a stomach virus on Tuesday morning. By Wednesday night she was feeling better, but that is about the time that I got sick. Then a few hours later, Avie got sick. Of course, Adam was sick a few hours after that. Yuck. Needless to say, every square inch of my house has been drowned in a combination of Clorox Anywhere Spray and Lysol. The laundry and pillows have all been scalded in the washer. And we took a family shopping trip today to buy new toothbrushes for everyone (I scrubbed down the shopping cart with wipes before putting the girls in and gave everyone a squirt of hand sanitizer as we loaded back up into the car to go home.)

Wednesday night, while laying on the bathroom floor, praying for the horrible virus to go away, I started to think. First, I wondered what it was about my bathroom that always brought on such a desperate need for prayer. Next, I thought about how thankful I was that I had cleaned my bathroom earlier that day. Then I moved on to much deeper and meaningful things. Like, why do I always seem to be fighting the same battles, with life and with myself? Why do I find it so difficult to pick up my bible on a daily basis? Why is it sometimes so hard to have real conversation with God? Why do I allow myself to become so disconnected to God? Will I always be the same person I am now? Will I always struggle with the same things?

I feel like I am always back and forth. I am either hot or cold. Why is it so hard for me to find a happy medium? My thoughts and feelings are always so out of order. One minute I feel at peace and centered and the next, I feel completely lost. It just makes no sense.

My random thoughts finally rested on one thing...my girls. What kind of example am I for them? What kind of impact am I making on them?

One of the hardest things for me as a mother is watching my girls suffer. Seeing them so sick this week was physically painful for me. To look at them, looking at me, knowing they were expecting me to make them better and knowing I couldn't....physically painful to me. All I could do was hold them and pray. I prayed for them to be comfortable. For them to get rest. For it to be over soon. I prayed that when they got better, they would not remember being sick and how bad they felt. I just felt so helpless. If seeing them with a stomach virus is that difficult, what will I do when life starts to happen?

I've now started to realize that "life" is happening to them now. No matter how hard I fight it, they are slowly being introduced to the world. They are already becoming who they are going to be. What type of impact those "life" things have on them is being determined now by the values we are teaching them. By the things we are showing them are important. Even more, their future is being determined by what they see me and Adam do and how we live. How they see us act and react. How they see us walk and talk and interact with each other and with them and with others. What they are GOING TO BE is directly related to what they see us BEING.

One of the hardest things as a mother is seeing my baby suffer. But one of the most rewarding things for me as a mother, is seeing my little girls live out the values that I struggle to teach them. I know they are young, but when I see them playing together and mimicking the things that I do...wow. How humbling is it that I have been blessed with these beautifully innocent children? I have been given the responsibility of bringing them up! How terrifying is it that I may not be doing it right? I don't want my girls to make the mistakes that I have made. I was talking with a friend tonight who told me that my past was what had made me who I am. I know that this is true. I have learned many valuable lessons from my past. Lessons too hard learned to forget. I know that the path I chose eventually led me to the path God intended for me. I just want my girls to stay closer to God's path from the beginning!

When planning Avie's baby dedication, I came across a song that encompasses everything I feel about being a mother. The lyrics say, "I wanna be just like You, 'cause she wants to be like me." It is a parent's prayer to be a holy example for their child's innocent eyes to see. That is my prayer. I want to be a Godly example for my girls. My daily struggles shift depending on the weather or my mood. But my one constant struggle is to be the woman that God wants me to be. I want my life to be pleasing to God. Oh, what a struggle it is. But it comes from a pure heart. My prayer is that my heart's desire will become my life's pattern.

Lord, I want to be just like You. Help me to live by your Word. Help me to set a holy example for my girls. Amen.

Feeling a lot better

As I sit here to type, Addie is by my side. She brought me a pillow and put it behind my back to make me feel better. I'm not sick, at least I don't think I am. I guess she just wanted me to be more comfortable.

I am feeling a lot better since my last post. There is something about sitting up all night sobbing that just makes the next day a little easier to handle. I am back to smiling when I think about Anna Sue. Thank you all for your sweet words. All I can say is God's grace is amazing.

As far as my house cleaning goes, I'm just finishing up going through the magazines. I'm tearing out only the specific recipes and articles I want instead of keeping the whole magazine. Later I will transfer the recipes to cards and put them in my box. The articles just get stuffed into a folder and stay in the magazine rack. I usually do this as soon as I finish reading them, but since I haven't had a chance to sit down and read them, they have just been piling up. Man, I'll be so happy when I don't have to fight with Avie over getting into them! Hopefully they won't be as tempting if they aren't overflowing into the floor.

After the magazines are all gone, I will have to start on the kitchen. My pantry is a mess and I can't find anything. My fridge desperately needs to be cleaned out. My microwave looks like it belongs in an office break room or something. Gross. I should probably clean the ceiling fan and the top of the fridge, too. I'm getting tired just thinking about it all!

Writing all of this down makes it sound like my house is disgusting, but I promise it isn't. It isn't spotless either, I do have two toddlers you know, but it isn't disgusting. I guess that I sometimes get into a cleaning rut. I clean the same stuff over and over. To just walk in and glance, my house usually looks pretty good under all the toys. But without all the "hidden" stuff clean, it just doesn't feel clean to me.

Later I will make a grocery list off of my menu plan. I don't like to spend my Friday night grocery shopping, but I think it is just necessary this week. We are out of everything. Adam will go with me and play with the girls while I tackle the list. I know it makes more sense for him to stay home with them, but we have fun and are one of those odd couples that likes to do everything together. Plus we usually pick up a movie and some take out before we go home.

Well, the sweetest two year old in the world just asked for me to come draw with her. What else would I say other than, sure!

Baby and Anna Sue Roberts

Today turned out to be a really tough day. The pain and sadness I feel has caught me very off guard. Last weekend when Adam was putting Avie's shelf back on the wall, he brought a shadow box in the room and asked if I would like him to put it up for me. I had made that box years ago and we just never could hang it. I said sure and showed him where to put it. It was a very difficult task for him, not because he isn't a good handyman (because he really is), but because of what the box contains and what it means.

In my first blog I told about how I always wanted to marry my best friend and have babies. My best friend and I started dating December 31, 2001, we got engaged on July 4, 2003, and we were married on May 1, 2004. We were ready to start a family right away. We found out we were expecting in June of 2004. We were thrilled. Life was wonderful. We went to the doctor for a check-up on August 4, and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I fell apart. I felt as though my world was crumbling around me. How could this be happening? I was so close to the 12th week. That is when everything is supposed to be okay. How could this be happening? I was crying so uncontrollably that they wouldn't let me walk through the waiting room. I had to exit through the employee door. We went back on August 5, Adam's birthday, for my D&C.

I felt so lost and alone. Why? Was I being punished? Did this happen to me because of the things I had done in my past? I wasn't that person anymore...is it really fair to punish me for things from so long ago? I was so hurt and so angry and so sad and so confused. I didn't know what to do or think or feel or say. I had nowhere to go. Nowhere to turn to. Nobody really knew how I felt. But as Adam and I now say, when you fall flat on your back, you have nowhere to look but up. And that is exactly what we did. We turned our eyes upon Jesus, and even though it still hurt, we no longer felt the need to question it.

Adam & I were both raised in church. He was saved at bible school when he was about 11 years old. I felt Jesus calling me at about that same age, but for some reason I resisted. I spent the next several years trying to quiet that voice with destructive behavior, but it didn't work. I just felt guilty all the time. I finally gave up and turned my heart over to Jesus when I was a senior in high school. I just had a hard time getting over the guilt of my past. I just couldn't comprehend grace. It took a couple of years, but I slowly began to turn my life over to Christ. This was about the same time Adam & I started dating. He was beginning to make some life changes also, and we worked on it together. There were just still some things that we were having a hard time letting go of.

We chose to name the baby, "Baby," because we weren't far enough along to find out the sex. After losing Baby we no longer had any desire to be a part of the world or what it had to offer. We knew having an intimate relationship with Christ was all we needed. We asked for forgivness for our anger and questioning. As time passed, the pain faded. We had peace about it. Adam and I were stronger and closer than we had ever been.

In November 2005 we found out we were expecting. We had been trying for almost a year. We were a little cautious, but mostly thrilled. Our due date was August 5. In March we found out we were having a girl. A beautiful baby girl!! We named her Anna Sue after my mother and Adam's. From the beginning of the pregnancy, I would get nervous every time I went to the doctor. I wasn't really showing. The baby usually measured a little behind, but I knew my dates weren't wrong. Every time someone would make a comment about how small I was to be so far along (they were attempting to pay a compliment) it would make my stomach turn. I knew in my heart that something wasn't right.

In May 2006 I went in and measured three weeks too small. They did an ultrasound and could see some fluid around Anna Sue's heart. I was angry. How could God let this happen? How could He do this to me again? Why even let me get pregnant in the first place if He was just going to take this baby from me? I remember sitting in church one Sunday listening to the preacher talk about how God made the heavens and the earth and how He spins it in orbit and how perfect it all has to be to work right. I was furious. If God can make an entire universe perfect so that it works correctly, why can He make my little baby work right? I got up and walked out of the service.

They sent us to a specialist at UAB who saw a problem with her heart valve and believed she may have a chromosome defect called Trisomy 18. With Trisomy 18 there is no chance of long term survival. The chromosome #18 is the largest and it holds the most information. If it contains the wrong info, the body does not know how to perform the functions necessary to sustain life. The effects are heart problems and severe mental retardation among many others. He wanted me to do an amnio but I refused because of the risk to Anna Sue. We then saw a cardiac pediatrician. Then we went to see another specialist. Then another.

I was hurting so badly and I had so many questions. One day when Adam wasn't home, I broke down. I had tried to stay strong most of the time and when people asked about things my answer was just, we just have to wait and see. But that day I fell to my knees in the bathroom. I cried out loud, "God, where are you? I need you so badly right now. I can't handle this, but I know You can." I asked God to forgive me for all those horrible thoughts and feelings I had in my heart. I asked Him to give me a clean heart. I asked God to forgive me for not turning to Him sooner. I asked God to take away my anger. I asked Him to take away my questions. I asked Him to give me the strength to pray for His will to be done. I told Him that if Anna Sue had to be sick, to help me fulfill her purpose. I prayed for what seemed like hours on that bathroom floor. And when I finally found the strength to stand, I also found that God had covered me with an amazing peace. I was still so full of sorrow, but I had peace about whatever the future held for Anna Sue.

I eventually gave in and agreed to the amnio....she was Trisomy 18. I, again, prayed for God's will to be done. I prayed for peace and strength. And He provided it in ways I could have never imagined. When people asked, I could honestly answer that I was just taking it one day at a time. Over the next few weeks I was able to really enjoy my pregnancy with Anna Sue even more than before I found out she was sick. I talked to her constantly. I sang to her. I prayed for her. I really got to know her. She would respond to me with repetitive kicks when I talked. She was a fighter. She was a stronger person than me. I would have loved to meet her face to face. But that just wasn't in God's plan.

I felt terrible at work one day, and before I went home I remember telling a coworker that I felt like I was 9 1/2 months pregnant and 500 pounds. I came home and went straight to bed. As I lay there trying to rest, Anna Sue was bumping around like crazy. I called Adam into the room and we both just sat there enjoying her for a long time. I went into labor later that night. I couldn't be positive that I was having contractions, because I wasn't far enough along to take my delivery classes. I wasn't sure what to do so Adam took me to the doctor's office that morning where they did an ultrasound. No heartbeat. Anna Sue was delivered stillborn on June 27, 2006.
Adam and I chose to have a private graveside service for immediate family. We left the cemetery and went to our church where our family and friends were waiting to feed us. I was extremely sad, but felt very peaceful the entire day. I continually found myself comforting those around me. Over and over I heard people say how strong I was. I wasn't strong though. I wasn't even strong enough to stand...I was being carried.

I don't know why it took me so long to pray for God's will to be done. I will always remember that flood of peace that came over me that day. I believe that may be a part of Anna Sue's purpose. She was so tiny and she made an impact on so many people. I believe that as long as I continue to tell her story, her purpose will continue to be fulfilled. It is up to me to share this testimony about how incredible God's grace is and how when the world crumbles around you, even if you feel shaken, He will see that you do not fall. All you have to do is call out to Him. He is faithful and He will answer.

When researching Trisomy 18 I found a poem on a support group site. I wrote it down and stuck it on my fridge. It was read at Anna Sue's service. It is now framed in my kitchen so that I can be constantly reminded of God's promise.

God never promised days without pain,

Laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain.

But He did promise strength for the day,

Comfort for the tears, and a Light for the way.

The shadow box I mentioned earlier contains Anna Sue's things. Dried flowers, a picture of the dress she is wearing, her New Testament, and the newspaper clipping from her obituary. I was okay the day Adam brought it to me and even smiled talking about her. But today I just couldn't be so strong. I got out her pictures. I wished to have her in my arms. I missed getting to be her mommy. As I tucked those pictures away, I prayed again for God's will to be done. I prayed again for strength and peace. I prayed again for her purpose to be fulfilled.

This post is my way of continuing to fulfill her purpose. Please know that God loves you. When nobody knows what you are going through, He does. Accept Him into your heart as your Savior. Accept the incredible grace that He longs to give you. Allow Him to be the Lord of your life. Learn to pray for His will and not your own. Cry out to Him and He will give you peace beyond understanding. Praise Him in the storms of your life, not just in the good times. Most of all, be sure to fulfill your purpose. We were all put here to serve Him.

I'm working on it...

Although I didn't get into bed until almost 11 last night, I don't feel like a complete failure. I was able to get Adam up and send him off pretty early this morning. Plus, I actually accomplished a few things yesterday. I cleaned my floors last night after supper! I am so thrilled about this because they were in terrible shape. I stuck Avie in the high chair with some toys, and Adam kept Addie occupied by letting her help wash dishes (that means she played in the water while he loaded the dishwasher.) The floors look great and are so shiny. I suppose I should enjoy it now because in a few hours they will be sticky from juice and will have pop tart and granola bar crumbs everywhere. But I wouldn't have it any other way! Today I will dust, throw away old magazines, and clean out the entertainment center. Then I will be finished with the family room.

I also have my new routine written out. It still needs some adjustments, but it's a start. I planned on starting it today, but woke up with a terrible headache and a phone call that said Baby Leah was coming. Baby Leah is my cousin's baby. She is an adorable 12 month old with the prettiest red hair. She usually stays with us about 4 out of 5 days a week. The girls love having her here. They play together really well. I'd like to have our first day of the new routine be a day when it is just me and the girls. Maybe tomorrow.

As far as my menu planning goes, I'm still working on it. I'm trying to branch out from our usual stuff and add something new in the mix. I love to cook. The holidays are my favorite because I have an excuse to stay in the kitchen all day trying out new recipes. Some of them have turned out to be new favorites and some have been total disasters. I still have fun either way. If any of you have recipes you would like to share, please leave me a comment! I'd love to try them out.

So far my menu plan includes: beef tips & rice, oven-fried chicken & mashed potatoes, breakfast casserole, and chicken enchiladas & mexican rice. I also try to keep things like tuna helper in the pantry and chicken fingers, fries, and a pizza in the freezer....there are just some days when the girls won't even let me look at the kitchen much less cook a real meal. Lunch is always either a sandwich or leftovers and breakfast is granola bars, pop tarts, or crackers.

I know all of this routine stuff probably doesn't sound like much to some, but this is my life. This is what I do. It is my job to take care of everything in the home. Adam is an incredible husband and helps do things around the house every day. But it is MY responsibility to see that all is done. I say this because Adam went into a store for me yesterday afternoon to return something and the male cashier was extremely rude. He was talking to another employee very openly about how the only people who come in the store are women who don't work and spend all their husband's money. Both men agreed that it was ridiculous for a woman to stay home now..."it isn't the 80's anymore." (The 80's part is hilarious to me because it shows just how ignorant they are. The 80's are when most women started working outside of the home!) Adam told the men that his wife stayed home with his children and that he loved it. He said they just looked at him like they felt sorry for him.

I promised that I wouldn't use this blog to vent, but I must explain something. In our 5 1/2 years of being married, Adam and I have been through a lot. If you keep following my blog I'll talk about it later. But for now let's just say that we were thrilled to find out that we had Addie on the way. Thrilled and terrified at the same time. We prayed and prayed and together felt that it was time for me to come out of work. I stayed home through most of my pregnancy with her.

This decision wasn't made lightly and it certainly wasn't because we had an overabundance of money. The decision for me to stay home was made because we believe that children are gift from God. The greatest blessing. We wanted to be sure that we took full advantage of that blessing by doing everything we could to raise her the way we felt God was leading US to. That meant giving up some worldly things and choosing to live off one income. In no way do I believe that it is what every woman should do. Everyone has to make their own choices, the ones that are right for their own situation. Adam and I have no regrets. We both love our life and intend to keep it this way until we feel led in another direction.

I'll let ya know if I ever get dressed today. Don't forget to share your recipes. I'll try to post some of mine later. Have a blessed day!

Goals? What goals!

I'm only half of the way into my first day with goals, and I am already going to change them. I was dressed, in yoga pants instead of pjs and a cute t-shirt instead of a stained one, before lunch. So that means I sort of accomplished Goal #1, right?

Then I fixed lunch for the girls and fed them and I sit here now with potatoes in my hair, gravy on my shirt, and I smell like beef stew. Grrrr. How frustrating is that! I now remember exactly why I don't get up and get dressed every morning....it isn't because of comfort, it is because it doesn't make any sense at all! It is also impossible to eat right if you don't plan ahead, so Goal #2 is out for today.

My new idea is to plan out a routine for myself and the girls. Not a schedule, but just something to help keep me in check. I feel like I run in circles all day long trying to get stuff done, and then I lay awake in bed at night and think about all the things I didn't accomplish. After being up so late, I end up sleeping in and the same cycle starts all over again. Don't panic, I am NOT going back to my perfectionist and obsessive ways! I am just looking for a happy medium between perfect and unproductive.

I've always taken the approach with the girls that if you plan and prepare ahead, things will go much more smoothly. I keep their diaper bags full and ready at all times. I keep diapers, wipes, and clean panties in the family room so that I can get to them more easily. I keep their toys up on high shelves in the play room and only get a few down at a time for them. The rule is that if they want something different, they have to pick up the other stuff first. I used to even apply the plan ahead theory to my grocery shopping, and I would menu plan for the entire week. It doesn't always work, but it helps cut down on midweek grocery shopping. It also avoids the question of what's for supper. I'm not sure when or why I stopped doing my menu planning, but I need to start it back immediately.

I also need to be getting in bed by 9:30 every night. This is the major thing I need to work on. Adam needs to get up at around 4:30 to miss the bad 280 traffic, and we don't usually get in bed until midnight or later. It's crazy, I know. I really need to work on this one for him. I know that it is my fault we are usually up so late. It also helps me out when I get up with him. I can get soooo much accomplished if I start before the girls ever get up.

We have all been sick since the holidays and I've gotten so backed up on my every day house cleaning stuff that it feels like I will never catch up. So I'm making a plan for that, too. I am going to tackle one room at a time. I just have to decide if I am going to start with the bedrooms or the family room. I suppose the family room should be first because it is the one people will see. I will give myself two days per room. After I finish the rooms, I will start on the closets. All four of us have so many clothes in our closets that don't fit anymore. I just did it at before winter, but it is already time again.

I haven't abandoned the idea of getting up and getting dressed every day. But that plan needs some tweeking. For now, the plan is that my next sewing project will be an apron. I will start it as soon as I get some fabric.

That is as far as I have gotten for now, and I'm sure I will change my mind again before the day is over. You should have expected it though...I told you my life was chaotic. Now you know why....it is because my mind is chaotic!

Got Goals?

A friend tried to warn me that this would happen, but in the past few days I have become quite addicted to reading others blogs. It is amazing how quickly I feel a connection to people I don't even know. The theme is the same in all of the blogs I've been interested in. They are all about improvement. Becoming a better you. Getting your home organized. Getting your life organized. Getting in better shape. Being a better mother.

As I read, I would get so excited for the bloggers as they got closer to their goals. And I began to think about how important it is to be better tomorrow than you were today. I already strive for that every day. But having an actual plan set out seemed to help keep these women on track. It enabled them to see where they had made improvements and held them accountable when they had slipped. I would love to give credit to the bloggers whose goals I borrowed, but I've read so many that I just can't remember them all. But thank you to everyone who blogs and shares your experiences. It is a great encouragment to me!

Because I am a stay-at-home mom, I must confess that I spend most of the day in my pjs. I've just never seen the point of getting dressed up to clean house and cook and play tea party and grocery shop and visit my MaMa. But, of course there is a "but" and this is a big one for me, I am beginning to see that maybe it doesn't send the right impression to others. I don't suppose I mind what others think, but I do mind what Jesus thinks. I have to admit that I would be more likely to reach out to someone and witness to them if I felt more confident about how I looked. They would probably be more likely to stick around long enough to listen, too! How dare I choose comfort over the kingdom! I just didn't really think of it like that before.

Goal #1: Get up and get ready every day.

I'm a mother. My body has been through 4 pregnancies. I am not concerned with the fact that I don't look like I did 5 or 10 years ago. I am, however, concerned with the fact that I don't try to eat healthy things and do healthy things. I've been getting sick a lot and I'm getting sick of it! Maybe a healthier lifestyle would help me fight things off. I don't really have a problem with candy and sweets...I have serious issues with anything salty. Potato chips. French fries. I have to stop before I raid the pantry, but you get the idea. I need to add some veggies (that aren't fried) and fruits (that aren't dunked in powdered sugar) in the mix. I'm pretty sure that chasing the girls around the house all day doesn't qualify as exercise considering the fact that we live in a matchbox, so getting up and moving around wouldn't be a bad thing either.

Goal #2: Live healthier.

Adam and I took a class at church many years ago and learned about this pyramid thing. It is just a visual of the order in which things in your life should take priority. The pyramid should be: God on top (1st), your spouse next (2nd), your children (3rd), your extended family (4th).....and goes on with your job, home, etc. My pyramid is a little out of order at times, so putting Christ first has to happen. I just realized that means He should be goal #1. Hmmm, I told you mine was out of order!

Goal #3: Put pyramid in order.

I am going to try to start with these goals tomorrow. I'm not even sure yet how I plan to do them. I guess I will just start by trying to get dressed tomorrow and we'll see what happens after that!

Followers, meet Happy

I think it is time for me to introduce everyone to another member of our family. Followers, meet Happy. Happy was a gift from Gran to Addie for her first Christmas. Because Addie was only about 6 months old, her first Christmas was just not too exciting for her. She wasn't really interested in any of the toys and didn't even care enough to play with the wrapping paper. But then she saw Happy. A pink stuffed penguin. (Adam named him because of Addie's sweet reaction to him....he made her happy.)

As Adam pulled him out of the box and handed him to her, her face lit up. She reached out and grabbed him. She held onto him the entire day. It took a while before I felt comfortable with it, but as soon as she could convince me, he started taking naps with her. Then he moved on to sleeping with her at night. He got kisses and hugs all day every day. She would lay in her bed and instead of crying for me when she woke up, she would sit and babble to him.

She was pretty much born teething and didn't stop until she had a full set, so his sweet little arms were what she teethed on. Oh, the smell. Yuck. Juice, milk, puffs, baby food, and everything else she ate, combined with her baby drool and went straight to his arms. It was terrible. He had to be washed. I prayed really intently for him, stuffed him into a pillow case, tied a knot into the end, and threw him into the washing machine. He survived!!! I was so thrilled and relieved. But then I wondered, how many times would he survive? (He had to air-dry though, no clothes dryer!)

Her first Easter rolled around and the worst possible thing happened...we left him in the nursery at church. There wasn't anyone there that afternoon because of the holiday. She screamed and refused to take a nap that day. She screamed and fought going to bed that night. Oh, how she missed him! First thing Monday morning, I left a frantic message on the church's machine. I couldn't wait. I called Adam at work and he sent the pastor a message.

As I went into the church, I felt like a panic hit. What if he wasn't there?! I raced through to the nursery and praise the Lord, he was there. Right there on the diaper changing table where she left him. She squeezed him so hard, I was afraid she would pull his head off. She fell asleep with him in her arms before I made it out of the church parking lot. I only thought she was attached to him before....now, most likely afraid she would lose him again, she was worse than ever.

I had to find a "Happy backup." But it had been months since my mom found him at Old Navy. They had already done their seasonal clearance. My mom searched on the internet. I called stores in New York and North Carolina. Nothing. Addie and I went to have lunch with Adam one day and we went shopping. Adam decided to ask the sales girl if she remembered having pink penguins back at Christmas. She actually did. She said she had been packing up all their old stuff to send to the warehouse and had seen one in there. So she went to the back for what seemed like an eternity and returned telling of how she had done something that sounded like dumpster diving. She presented a Happy and explained how sorry she was that there was a speck of dirt on his nose and that she knew we probably didn't want a dirty penguin...I could have kissed her.

Addie still is unaware of the replacement. I switch them out every time I wash him so they will both be worn and she won't notice a difference. She doesn't carry him around all day anymore, but he still takes naps with her and sleeps with her at night. Adam and I say that Happy knows "all the good stuff." She tells him everything. She still wakes up in the morning and talks to him before she is ready to start her day. She still sits in her room and talks to him instead of taking a nap. Every time she wakes up, she brings Happy out of her room and sits him in his special place on the back of the couch where he patiently waits on her.

Last week when I went in to get her, she decided that Happy was still tired and needed to stay in the bed to get some more rest. Yesterday when Adam went in to get her, she had Happy laying on her pillow, covered up with her blanket. But today tops it all. This morning, I went in her room. She was standing there as always waiting for me. "Good morning, Addie!" I say. "Hey, momma. I take a good nap!" she says. As a start to pick her up she tells me, "Let me get all my stuff." And she gathers her blanket and pillow. Then she walks over to the other side of the bed and picks up Happy. She tells me, "Happy was in time-out 'cause him not nice."

Whatever he did, all was forgiven by nap time when she chattered to him the entire time instead of sleeping. Oh, to know the things that Happy knows!!!

I've always been such a "Martha"

First of all, I must begin this post by saying that I know absolutely nothing about computers. You would think that after several years of court reporting school that I would be a computer expert! Of course, if you thought that you would be wrong. Computers have completely surpassed me. I am so intimidated by them. I feel like they are the ones in control when I log on, and considering the fact that I am a control freak, that just doesn't sit well with me. I would even consider trying to catch up on things, but mine seems to have a bug and goes crazy all the time. Either that or it just REALLY doesn't like me. I have this odd feeling that I will sit here for an hour writing and my computer will suddenly shut down and I will lose it all. If so, you will never hear from me again because I will be too involved in a total meltdown!

I was actually heading to bed when the phone rang. Adam went out for a while so I thought it would be great to clear my head while waiting on him to get home. (I'll tell ya where he went later)

I've had the absolute best weekend! Adam came home from work early on Friday and we played in the snow with the girls. I would have preferred running through the sprinklers or splashing in the kiddie pool with them because I'm a warm-weather kind of girl, but it was a lot of fun watching them. They were so amazed by it. Watching their footprints, building a snowman, throwing a snowball....everything in life is just so much better when I get to experience it with the girls. The innocence that surrounds them just wraps me up. It makes me feel child-like and innocent, too.

In the past several years, I've been forced to face the fact that I tend to be a bit uptight. Oh, how it pains me to say that. I was in a state of utter shock and disbelief the first time I ever heard someone refer to me as "uptight." At the time I just shrugged it off, considering the source, whose intent was to inflict pain. As I turned the sting of the word over to prayer, God began to work in my heart. He placed a book in my path that discussed how people who are perfectionists tend to push their perfectionist ways on others without realizing it and unintentionally set themselves up for disappointment.

I have to take a moment here and post a WARNING: Beware of praying for God to make things "obvious" to you. He may just smack you in the face with it!!!

Or at least it felt like He did that to me. I hit my knees and prayed to be able to loosen up. To be able to enjoy life without worry. To overcome the insatiable desire to be perfect. To relax my expectations of others and allow myself to be satisfied with "whatever." I would love to say that a glorious light shown down from the heavens and all of my craziness was swept away.....but anyone who knows me will tell you that isn't at all true because I am crazier than ever!

What did happen is that God is daily showing me how to let go. He gave me two beautiful little girls who are helping me every second of the day with that struggle, whether I like it or not! Two little girls who couldn't possibly be any different from one another.

Addie, 2 1/2, is just like me. She is compassionate. She genuinely cares about people and likes to take care of them. She notices the emotion in your face before you ever say a word. She loves to cook and help me around the house. She loves music and will insist on listening to her favorite songs over and over. She loves to dance and even begins to move involuntarily when she hears music, but gets totally embarrassed if she notices anyone watching. She has a bit of a sarcastic tone at times. She is dainty and delicate. When she runs and skips it is like she's floating on air. But, poor girl, she has the feet of a troll, a beautiful troll, but still a troll. If she gets into trouble, she will stand there and cry and whine to get her way out of it. She can't be defined as girly, but likes girly things. But she also likes playing outside and wrestling and anything else that would be considered tomboyish. She will flip out over a spot on her pants, but cares nothing at all about the mess on her face. She is quirky and funny and one of my absolute favorite people in the world.

Avie, 16 months, is the polar opposite of Addie. She is silly. And a little selfish. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that if she is okay then she cares about you, but if she isn't okay then she cares about herself. A mess has never bothered her unless it was in her way, in which case she would simply pick it up and throw it out of her way, or possibly plow through it, or scream at me until I move it. She also loves to dance and moves involuntarily when she hears music, but she loves it if someone watches and just dances more. She talks back to me by grunting with her paci in her mouth, but I know what she is saying by the look in her eye. When she gets into trouble she throws her back out and hurls herself into the floor to get away from me, and when she does get away, she slaps her leg and grunts; if she feels brave enough, she may even come by and slap my leg. She is clumsy and seems to stomp instead of walk. But she has the most precious and tiny hands and feet. She isn't girly either, but likes girly things...just not the same girly things as Addie. She will find the tiniest speck of dust on the floor and bring it to me and not ever even notice the huge piles of dirt everywhere, you can just forget the mess on her...she is immune to it. She is crazy and silly and one of my absolute favorite people in the world.

I tell you about my girls to tell you this. There was a time when I would not go to bed until my house was spotless. I would have never gotten up from supper and left the dishes in the sink. I would have never let the laundry pile up in the floor. I would have never let clutter have a place in my home...........but being a mom has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life. I was afraid it would make those tendencies worse, but it has only helped me to separate myself from them.

I've always been such a "Martha." Over the years I have spent much time praying to be more like Mary. I have read the book, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, at least 8 or 9 times. As soon as I get close to the end, I feel like I need to start at the beginning again.

My girls have been a major factor in that prayer finding an answer. Something about experiencing life through the eyes of a child just changed me. Every moment with them I see even more how important it is the realize that "only One thing is needed." If you aren't familiar with the story or just haven't looked at it in a while, turn to Luke 10:40. "Keep it simple, sister" was the theme of a women's conference I attended recently. They used the scripture Matthew 6:33 and throughout the day I was reminded of Martha and her sister Mary and the amazing fact that only ONE thing is needed and that is Jesus Christ!!!!! Dear Father, please help me to not be worried and upset about many things.

Well, Adam has made it home safely and now we are headed to get some sleep. As I promised......he went to check on someone at the ER, but everything is okay. Please just add this person and their health issues to your personal prayer list. God knows who they are.

A Big Blogging Monster

So, I finally started this blog as my husband suggested. I'm not sure why, but for quite some time now he has been encouraging me to start one. He would randomly find ways to bring it up in conversation. I'm not sure whether I should feel flattered or insulted. Either he thinks I am a highly interesting and intelligent person who should share my greatness with the world.....or he thinks I talk too much and believes that if I blog about it, he won't have to listen to it. Obviously, he is not aware that if I am blogging, I will just tell him everything I am blogging about!

Actually, I think my husband is wonderful. I am secretly excited that he encouraged me to do this. I'm not so sure that I have anything interesting to say in a blog, but the fact that he thinks I do is wonderful. We just watched a movie together and for some reason, after it went off I jumped up and ran to the computer. He followed, and together, we created my blog. With setup complete, I looked at him and said, "You have created a monster. A big blogging monster!" And then I sent him away so that I could decide what to write about first.

Adam, the wonderful husband, was unsure about the "chaotic" name. He said it made us sound crazy or something. (At this point, I must confess that I have slight issues with being told I am wrong....but only because I never am.) I just couldn't be wrong about the name I chose for my fabulous new blog, so I grabbed good ole Webster and looked up the word "chaos." As I read, sweet Adam began to change his mind. There is just no way to deny that "confused unorganized state" and "unpredictability in behavior" describe us perfectly. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have been "chaotic" my entire life. I never was too sure of what I wanted to do when I grew up. But I always knew what I wanted. I wanted to be happily married to my best friend. I wanted to us have babies and grow old together and still be best friends. And I knew who that best friend was that I wanted to marry. Adam. It was always him. He was my very first kiss. My very first real love. I met him at church when we were in 6th grade and I never got over him. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, almost every decision I made growing up can somehow be linked back to him. God certainly had His hand on us from the beginning. Adam's admiration for me wasn't as immediate as mine for him. But with much wishing, hoping, and praying on my part, he finally opened his eyes and realized we were so perfect for each other it would be ridiculous for us to not be together. Well, that isn't quite how it happened, but close enough for now. Either way, we have been together for over 9 years, have been married for 5 1/2, and have the two most beautiful little girls in the world. We have been through so much together and, by the grace of God, we have only gotten closer to each other and to Him through it all.

Sorry about the gushing. It was completely unintentional. I suppose that is what I get for sitting down and starting a blog without a real plan. I thought maybe the first blog should be like an introduction. Like a get-to-know-you. What better way to get to know me than to hear this. It is now 1:20 am. I chose midnight to create a blog. My husband is sleeping on the couch waiting on me to go to bed. My 16-month old just cried out for me and when I went into her room to check on her, she looked at me and said, "Uh-Oh." She had dropped her paci and couldn't find it in the dark. I gave it back to her, changed her diaper and her wet pants, got her a cup of juice, and passed her off to my no longer sleeping husband so that I could return to my blogging. Obviously, I am planning on the girls sleeping late in the morning. Welcome to my chaotic life!