Just when I begin to think that life can't get any crazier, there it goes! Our normally chaotic life has gotten completely out of control. I almost don't want to get into it because I know anyone reading will think I'm just a whiner looking for sympathy. Sadly, it is true...things really are that insane. I promise I'll try to make the run through as quick and "not looking for the sympathy vote" as possible. Here goes...
Mr. Wonderful's health just isn't any better. In fact, he is feeling worse. He's not just tired, but beyond exhausted all the time. He's not just uncomfortable, but in constant pain. He's been through all the medications and treatments and nothing is working. The doctors have scheduled several tests that he will go through over the next few weeks. We are just in a "wait and see" mode for now. I'll let you know exactly how I'm handling that in a few minutes.
Amazingly, our little family survived Fall and the first part of Winter without any sickness. Then one week into the new year, Addie was at After Hours with an ear infection. Ten days later, the last day of her antibiotic, she woke up with a runny nose. A week or two after that she was at the doctor's office for another ear infection...in the same ear. That night, she was in the ER for a febrile seizure (only the second one of her life, thankfully, because it is a completely traumatizing experience for both of us). Today, ten days later, the last day of her antibiotic, she was in the doctor's office again with an ear infection...in the same ear. We've been sleeping on the couch together for about a month now (it is the only way she can sleep without coughing) and about a week ago, I caught the same stuffy nose/coughing/runny nose/annoying virus she had. I just finished sneezing at least 45 times in the last hour. Don't believe me? Ask Mr. Wonderful and Avie who have been trying to sleep on the couch but keep waking up to "bless" me!
So here is. The worst part of it all...I'm not handling the "wait and see" very well at all. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe my faith is too weak. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm impatient. Maybe I'm bitter. Maybe the past 12 months have just been too much to handle. Maybe the weight of everything going on is just too much for me to bear. Maybe I'm beginning to get angry about it all. Maybe it's all the above, plus the fact that I don't want us to be going through this in the first place.
Yes, our life has always been chaotic. But we liked it that way. This that we are living right now is NOT life. This is going through the motions. This is doctors and medicine and side effects. This is doing what you can to get by. This is the definition of frustrated. This is crying yourself to sleep. This is laughing hysterically at nothing. This is making the most of little moments. This is enjoying those moments to the fullest. This is being too depressed to get out of bed. This is packing on 15+ pounds of emotional eating. This is separating yourself from the people and things you love. This is not being able to physically or emotionally handle others. This is running as hard as possible to the people we love. This is looking to them for support. This is spending every minute doing only the things you love. This is wanting more than anything to have answers. This is being too afraid to pray for those answers. This is spending every second possible with my husband and children. This is being terrified to leave them. This is clinging to my best friend with all I have. This is loving him more every day. This is being frozen in fear at the thought of this going on any longer. This is a constant contradiction of emotion. This is the feeling of being completely helpless.
The thing is, I know what to do. I know exactly how to get through this. We've been here before. We have lived this "NOT life" before. The answer is so simple. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Focus on Him, not your problems. Take it to Him in prayer. Ask Him for peace and He will give it to you. I know that it probably seems that I am searching for that sympathy vote. But I promise I'm not. I'm searching for the strength to do what I know I need to do. I'm searching for a way to survive all of this and not lose my mind. I'm trying to remind myself that God will not give me more than I can handle. I'm trying to remember that God has a plan. I'm trying to remember that He sees the big picture. I'm trying to find a way to "get" whatever it is that He wants me to take away from this experience.
I'm also trying to use my blog as a healthier way of dealing with it all. I've become such a grumpy person lately! Love and prayers for you all!
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