Can't stop the tears from falling today. No matter how hard I fight them back, they just keep coming.
When I was checking my e-mail yesterday, I found out that a man in our town passed away. He left behind a wife, a teenage daughter, and a teenage son. The e-mail was from a family friend of mine who is really close to this family. I stopped and prayed for this family and then moved on. It was on my mind, but I was really sick yesterday and spent the day just trying to make it to 6 pm so I could go home and get in bed.
I finally made it home. Crawled on the couch and spent the evening watching my girls play. Mr. Wonderful did everything from cooking supper to folding laundry to bathing girls for me. He was putting them in bed when the phone rang. I answered and was surprised when I heard the voice of a young man. This young man was in our class when Mr. Wonderful and I were involved in student ministry. This young man is very special to our family. We have been a part of his life from the beginning. He will be a senior in high school this year. He was calling to let me know that the e-mail I received earlier that day was about the father of his very close friend. And that changed everything.
My mind hasn't stopped racing since that phone call. My heart hasn't stopped pounding. And the tears haven't stopped flowing. All I can think of is how precious time is.
I don't know the man who's life ended so soon. I don't know his wife or his children. But I do know that the fact that they will have to continue to live their lives without him...well that is just a terrible thing. How do you do that? How do you keep going when a part of you is missing? I just don't know. But I do know that God has a plan. I know that God has an amazing plan. I completely trust that He knows what He is doing. I know that He can take the absolute worst of situations and turn them into something wonderful.
As I lay in bed last night, fighting to get to sleep, I thought about my life. If it ended now, what legacy would I be leaving? For my children? For my husband? For my family and friends? Would they know without a doubt that I was in a better place? Would they cry for themselves because they miss me but rejoice for me because I'm in Heaven? Would they have wonderful memories to look back on? Would they smile when they think of me? Would my girls grow into the Godly women I've tried to teach them to be? Would they remember the lessons I've tried to teach them and the values I tried to instill in them? Would they understand why I pushed so hard for them to be kind and loving to others? Would they want to be like me? Would Mr. Wonderful know just how much I love him? Would he know how much confidence I have in his ability to raise the girls? Would he be bitter because I had left him alone or would he wait patiently for the day when he will see me again?
And the biggest questions that were weighing on my heart, would they be better off without me? Am I doing everything I need to be doing to fulfill my purpose here? What is my purpose here? Am I making an impact on those around me? Am I making the very most of my time?
I'm pretty torn when trying to answer those questions. One part of me feels certain that although I am not perfect, I am doing everything possible to leave a legacy I can be proud of. One of love and kindness and generosity and selflessness. One of putting Christ first in everything and teaching others about God's love. One my children and husband can look at and say they are proud of. One my parents can be proud of.
Another part of me feels certain that I am failing in all aspects. I don't do enough. I don't care enough. I don't love enough. I don't teach enough. I don't study enough. I'm not there enough. I'm not putting enough energy and effort into making an impact on others.
So, what now? What of all this thinking and these tears?
Make the most of every moment. Don't waste a second of your time. Take time to enjoy the little things. Don't always be in a rush. Don't put off for tomorrow what can be done today. Don't just sit back and observe, join in. Take lots of pictures. Don't hide from the camera when someone else is taking pictures. Sing even if you sound terrible. Dance even if you look terrible. Be silly. Don't take yourself too serious. Laugh until you cry. Have fun. Enjoy life. Enjoy your children. Never, ever be too busy to play with them. Spend time with your family. Don't take things for granted. Use your talents instead of wasting them. Even if you are sure someone knows how you feel about them, tell them anyway. Always be quick to say I'm sorry. Don't hold a grudge. Be forgiving. Remember that nobody is perfect. Stop trying to be perfect and just be yourself. If there is something you don't like about yourself, change it now. Pick up the phone and call as soon as someone enters your mind. Don't wait. Live every day in a way that you can be proud of. Don't dwell on the past, but always learn from it. Be the kind of person you want your children to be. Live every single day as if it were your last. With every breath you take, tell someone about Jesus.
As I lay in bed last night, fighting to get to sleep, I thought about my life. If it ended now, what legacy would I be leaving? For my children? For my husband? For my family and friends? Would they know without a doubt that I was in a better place? Would they cry for themselves because they miss me but rejoice for me because I'm in Heaven? Would they have wonderful memories to look back on? Would they smile when they think of me? Would my girls grow into the Godly women I've tried to teach them to be? Would they remember the lessons I've tried to teach them and the values I tried to instill in them? Would they understand why I pushed so hard for them to be kind and loving to others? Would they want to be like me? Would Mr. Wonderful know just how much I love him? Would he know how much confidence I have in his ability to raise the girls? Would he be bitter because I had left him alone or would he wait patiently for the day when he will see me again?
And the biggest questions that were weighing on my heart, would they be better off without me? Am I doing everything I need to be doing to fulfill my purpose here? What is my purpose here? Am I making an impact on those around me? Am I making the very most of my time?
I'm pretty torn when trying to answer those questions. One part of me feels certain that although I am not perfect, I am doing everything possible to leave a legacy I can be proud of. One of love and kindness and generosity and selflessness. One of putting Christ first in everything and teaching others about God's love. One my children and husband can look at and say they are proud of. One my parents can be proud of.
Another part of me feels certain that I am failing in all aspects. I don't do enough. I don't care enough. I don't love enough. I don't teach enough. I don't study enough. I'm not there enough. I'm not putting enough energy and effort into making an impact on others.
So, what now? What of all this thinking and these tears?
Make the most of every moment. Don't waste a second of your time. Take time to enjoy the little things. Don't always be in a rush. Don't put off for tomorrow what can be done today. Don't just sit back and observe, join in. Take lots of pictures. Don't hide from the camera when someone else is taking pictures. Sing even if you sound terrible. Dance even if you look terrible. Be silly. Don't take yourself too serious. Laugh until you cry. Have fun. Enjoy life. Enjoy your children. Never, ever be too busy to play with them. Spend time with your family. Don't take things for granted. Use your talents instead of wasting them. Even if you are sure someone knows how you feel about them, tell them anyway. Always be quick to say I'm sorry. Don't hold a grudge. Be forgiving. Remember that nobody is perfect. Stop trying to be perfect and just be yourself. If there is something you don't like about yourself, change it now. Pick up the phone and call as soon as someone enters your mind. Don't wait. Live every day in a way that you can be proud of. Don't dwell on the past, but always learn from it. Be the kind of person you want your children to be. Live every single day as if it were your last. With every breath you take, tell someone about Jesus.
No comments:
Post a Comment