This is not where I belong, Part 2



I know, here I go again with the songs. This just another song that is speaking to my heart right now, helping me to make sense of everything.

The video below is without a doubt, the best "skit" I've ever seen. I've have never, ever been able to watch it without sobbing. Please take a few minutes to see for yourself how amazing it is.

See how happy the girl is in the beginning with her relationship with Christ? He is taking care of her. He is providing everything she could ever possibly need. She is completely content with Him. That is, until the world steps into her life.

Did you notice how sweet the world seems to be in the beginning? How easily it pulls her away from Jesus? 

Do you see that Jesus never leaves her? He stays as close to her as possible, yet He won't force her to come back. 

Notice how one thing of the world just leads to another?

Notice how each new thing places itself between the girl and Jesus, creating more and more distance? Even when she looks back and tries to see Him, they are standing in her way, blocking her view. 

Although the world started out sweet in the beginning, and each thing appeared to make the girl happy as she first came into contact with it, it ended up hurting her and eventually causing her to hurt herself.

The most powerful part comes when the girl finally decides that Jesus is all that she wants and all that she needs. That is also the most scary part. See how hard she has to fight? See how brutal they are in pushing her back and pulling her down? Did you notice that as she began to fight her way back to Him, Jesus began pulling the girl back towards Him? He is fighting right along with her. It would be so easy for her to just give up. I am so glad that she doesn't. Seeing her continue to struggle to reach Him, Jesus throws Himself over her and protects her. He blocks everything evil from being able to reach her so that she won't be harmed anymore. Then He gently picks her up and dusts her off and embraces her. 

I said before that I can't watch this video without sobbing. Although the things of the world that came into my life may have been somewhat different that those in the video, this is a pretty much my own personal testimony. And thankfully, my testimony has the same triumphant ending as the skit you just watched. 

But what if it could have been different? What if the girl in the video had been better prepared when the world first enticed her? What if she had a better foundation upon which to stand? What if she had the strength to run back to Jesus and fight for Him before she was so wounded by the world? Before the world had come so far between them?

This is my prayer for my children. Not that they will never experience anything at all in life and that they will live their entire life in a bubble (as many people assume). No, my prayer for them is that they will be prepared when the world makes its attack on them. Because I know that attack is coming. 

This is why I have chosen to "shelter" them. Not because I think that I can protect them forever. But because I want to protect them long enough for their faith to give them a firm foundation upon which to stand. Then, when they choose on their own to fight for Jesus, He will be there to protect them. 

This is not where I belong, Part 1

If you are a regular follower of this blog, or if you know me or have been around me for any amount of time, you know that I am a lover of music. I'm not a lover of music because I am a talented musician or because I have a beautiful singing voice. Nope. In fact, there's exactly zero musical talent to be found anywhere in me. What I do have is an overwhelming appreciation for the fact that a song can help me express how I am feeling...even when I'm not completely aware of how I'm feeling. Not only that, but a song can give me a message that I desperately need to hear. A song can encourage me and provide me with a certain degree of confidence. It can empower me and give assurance that what I am feeling isn't as crazy as satan would like for me to believe.   

I'm really loving this song right now, because it perfectly says how I'm feeling. It seems that every day I am becoming more frustrated with the world and its ways. I am fighting hard to resist the temptation to become bitter and judgmental, and am, instead, attempting to channel my energy and efforts into creating a place where my children can be safe from exposure to this world and its ways.

I feel as if that already fine line between living "in" the world and not being "of" the world is getting more blurred every day, not only by the world itself, but also by the church. It is becoming difficult for me to trust myself in what I believe is black and white. Accusations of being a "radical" and taking things to the "extreme" and looks of disapproval are being hurled in my direction at an alarming rate. And even more upsetting and confusing is from where this disapproval is coming. I just don't understand why people say that I am doing the wrong thing by "sheltering" my girls....shouldn't I want to protect my children from evil? Especially while they are still so young? Isn't that my purpose as a parent?   

Recently, God provided me with an amazing opportunity to speak with a strong, mature Christian woman that I admire greatly, not only for her incredible faith or her dedication to her children, but for her ability to balance living "in" the world and not being "of" it (that I am struggling with). I found that, although our lives and personalities would appear to be worlds apart, our hearts seemed to be in the exact same place. 

Although she was extremely busy on the day I saw her, she listened patiently as I whined and cried about my struggles. She genuinely seemed to understand my fears and insecurities. She never criticized the opposing viewpoint on parenting...thinking about it now, I'm not sure she ever referred to it at all. Instead, she used scriptures to make a powerful case supporting my own viewpoint. (So many scriptures that my mind was working overtime listening to her, trying to find a place to hold the reference for future study. If I hadn't been afraid she would think I was nuts, I would have grabbed a pen and started taking notes on our conversation!) 

After my time with her, I felt so much lighter. I felt as if, finally, what I felt in my heart as the right thing had been validated. I know it was God's plan for me to speak with her that day. I'm sure He had a lot planned for her to accomplish that day. But I know in my heart that He used her to show me that I was on the right path.   

Most of those opposing my parenting make the accusation that one day my girls will be forced to deal with the world and that they will not be prepared to deal with it because of my sheltering. They argue that my girls will not be able to fit in with society and will not have a place in the world.

My response to these people is in the lyrics of this song.

"All I know is I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong." 

This sinful world is not my home. Why should I desire for myself or my children to fit in somewhere that we don't even belong?          

This week...

This week...

* My mother, Mrs. Incredible, worked the shop for me most of the week! It was so great getting to spend so much time with my sweet girls at home!!

* On Sunday night I talked Mr. Wonderful into helping me move two large bookcases out of the dining room and into the "green room," our spare bedroom. First, I had to take all the junk off of the bookshelves. I wasn't sure where to put it, so I just piled it all on the dining room table. Then I spent most of the day Monday cleaning out old toys and lots of other junk that had found its way into the green room over time. I set up one bookshelf with the girls tv and videos. It also has my unsorted photos, my Cricut and lots of craft stuff on it. The other bookshelf now holds my sewing machine, sewing notions, patterns, and fabric. I stuck a table in between them so that I will have a place to work.

I am hoping this will help me be more productive (we'll see how that goes!). You see, I absolutely despise having to clean up all the stuff from a project before I am completely finished with it. With it all in the back bedroom, I won't have to worry about cleaning it up every day.

* After dropping the girls off at school Tuesday morning, I took all the bags of toys I had cleaned up from the green room and several bags of clothes they had outgrown, and I dropped them off at the Hannah Home box sitting in the WalMart parking lot. I was pretty excited about being so productive.

After I picked up the girls from school and got them home, I looked through their bags and found a letter from their teacher. It seems that the school is collecting toys and clothing for a charity. Oops. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, I always seem to end up being "that" mother. You know, the one the teachers all hate because she always forgets things and is always late and is totally unreliable. Yup. I'm "that" mom. 

* I gave both girls a haircut on Tuesday night. I've been trying to talk Avie into it for a while, but she really liked having her hair so long. I loved it long, too, but she didn't love for me to brush it, so it had to go.

Addie decided she wanted her hair to look like Rah Rah's (my oldest sister), so she was brave and went first. I cut almost 5 inches off her hair. When I was finished, she ran to her room to look in the mirror, so I followed her with the camera to catch her reaction. I was already pretty nervous about what she would think, so when I saw her staring into the mirror with this shocked look on her face, my heart started hammering in my chest. When I caught my breath and asked her what she thought, she tilted her head to the side (the way she does when she's acting shy) and said, "it looks so different." I didn't want to upset her more, so I quietly told her that it would grow back soon and look just like it did before. She turned to me and said, "Mommy, I don't want it to grow back! I want it to stay like this forever!" I almost fainted from the relief. She wasn't upset...she loved it! She spent the rest of the night squealing with excitement and flipping it behind her ears. Whew!

After seeing Addie's new 'do, Avie couldn't wait to get hers cut. It was probably more than 6 inches that I cut off her hair. I know. And, yes, I kept a clipping from each :) Avie didn't like sitting still and kept wiggling, so I'm sure her finished cut is pretty much a mess. But then again, maybe nobody will notice since she is never, ever still! She loved her cut almost as much as Addie did.

I think they both look adorable, but it will take a bit of getting used to...they both look much older now!

* On Wednesday, we went to church and sang with the children's choir. The girls love it so much. Mrs. Stephanie is their choir director and she always makes it so much fun for them. They absolutely love her. I can understand why, though. I love her, too! I'm also completely jealous of her creativity and energy...She can, and does, do anything and everything, and she doesn't ever seem to get tired!! So unfair!! After choir, they go to Faith Weaver Friends and do lots of different activities. They come home completely excited to tell me all about everything they did, and they are also completely exhausted. They always sleep well on Wednesday nights :) 

* Today is Friday, and my dining room table is still covered in the stuff I took off of those bookshelves. I'm still just not sure what to do with it. When he has time, Mr. Wonderful is supposed to build me two new built-in bookshelves for the dining room. But as much as he's been working lately, it isn't looking like he'll get to it any time soon...I may never see my dining room table again!

* Mr. Wonderful asked me out on a date. I'm so excited! It's been quite a while since we've been out without the girls. He said he wanted to surprise me, but he also knows me well enough to know that I am not really a huge fan of surprises...so he went ahead and told me last night that he already had a sitter lined up for the girls for tonight. I knew I called him "Mr. Wonderful" for a reason :)

* I am helping plan a father/daughter, mother/son dinner party for our church. It will be next Sunday evening, and I can't wait. I am having so much fun coming up with ideas for it. We'll have dinner, dancing, a photo booth, games, and much more! I know the girls will have such a good time with Mr. Wonderful.

* The weekend is looking like it will be pretty busy. We have two birthday parties and a baby shower on Saturday. And, of course, they are all at the exact same time. It won't be so bad if Mr. Wonderful will be home, because we can just split up the girls and take each where they need to go, then I can go to the shower a bit late and we won't really miss anything. That isn't likely to happen, though. Mr. Wonderful has worked the last 3 weekends in a row. Saturday and Sunday. Yup. That's a lot of days of work with no days off in between. I'm pretty sure we will continue that streak this weekend, too. That means that one party will be missed completely. I feel terrible, but I guess everyone understands that you can't be more than one place at the same time. Or at least I hope they do!

* Last week I got the movie Beauty and the Beast for the girls because they were so good at the shop for me all week. They love it. I mean, they really love it. We have watched it every single night this week. They are already asking if they can watch it again when we get home. Did I mention that they love it?

We had told them that if they were good that we would get them something at the end of the week. Mr. Wonderful had the girls in the bath tub and I held the movie behind my back and surprised them with it. Later, Addie told me that she thought I was going to give them Play Doh. I thought it was so sweet that she was trying to guess what it would be. I asked her if she wished I had given them Play Doh instead. "Uh, no, Mommy. I love the Beauty and Beast......" I'm not sure what she said after that, because she began talking in a high pitch squeal. Then, I'm pretty sure that it was just squealing and jumping.

* Apparently, 4 1/2 years is the "official" age for squealing to begin. That must be the age, because even when Avie joins Addie in the jumping, she doesn't ever squeal. I'm not even sure if she can. Sometimes she makes a face that makes me think either she is trying to figure out how, or she is really annoyed by Addie doing it. Neither would surprise me.

I think squealing is Addie's reaction for pretty much everything now. Surprised? Squeal. Excited? Squeal louder. Happy? High pitched squealing and jumping. Sad? Lower squealing (some would say "growling") and collapsing on the floor. Mad? Alternate high and low pitched squealing while jumping followed by collapsing on the floor. 

As Mr. Wonderful and I discussed this squealy new phenomenon in our lives, I questioned out loud, "if 4 1/2 years old is when this starts, I wonder when it stops?" According to Mr. Wonderful, "Never." I suppose the proof is in my reaction to his asking me out on a date last night. He asked. I was surprised. I squealed.  As it sank in...an entire night to just be Holley and not Mommy...I got excited. I squealed louder. He told me that he already had a sitter to and that he was taking me to see the movie I've been talking about. I was very happy. I started to jump as I squealed. Yeah, I know. I don't get out much. SAHM and all.

I have pictures of the green room, the dining room table, and the girls haircut. Unfortunately, I can't post them because my computer hates me. It refuses to do what I tell it to do and it insists on continuing to catch one virus after another, which it knows I don't have time for. Oh, well. Hope everyone has a great weekend! 

   

Never grow up

November? Really? Has it been that long since I blogged?

I mean, I know that I've been self-absorbed lately. But November, really?

Well, I suppose if I really think about it, then I guess that is about right. It seems that time has been moving so quickly lately...when I look back over the last several months it all just looks like a blur. I can't really focus on any particular thing.  

My sister sent a movie home with me a few weeks ago. I can't remember the exact title, but it was something like, "I don't know how she does it."  It was about a working mother whose life and schedule are extremely busy. In the movie, it compares her life to juggling. She says that the key to being a good juggler isn't in the catching the object, but in the throwing it. I've heard a similar quote before that says the secret to juggling is just to keep everything in the air. 

I'm not really sure whether I really liked the movie or not. I wasn't able to watch it for "entertainment." I was too busy feeling convicted! Convicted of keeping too many things in the air and not concentrating on any of them or spending any real time on any of them. I felt just like the character in the movie. So many things going on and so many things slipping through the cracks. I've not been spending enough time keeping my hands on things....especially my baby girls. Don't misunderstand, I spend every single day with my girls. I suppose that I am referring to actual "quality time." I'm with them so often, that I may have been taking it for granted a bit. I know that I haven't always done that, but I can see now that I have been lately.  

The girls are just growing up so fast. It literally makes my chest tight to think this, but Addie will start school next year.  I read over some of my old posts this week and loved reading the things I had written about the girls. It really made me regret that I haven't posted more often to talk about them and tell what they have been up to. It just makes my head spin to think about how much they have changed and how quickly it has happened. I don't want to forget one single bit of their precious childhood! 

I have really been slacking in the picture taking department, too. From the time Addie was born, I took a picture of her every week. I did the same with Avie. I keep every single one of these pictures (even the ones with eyes closed) and put them in photo albums. I don't "scrap" because I would never be able to choose just a few pictures. They are all my favorite. The girls love to look through the albums with me. You can literally watch the girls grow up in these albums. Over the last year or so, the pictures have gotten pretty slim. And I have a huge backlog of SIM cards and photos that need to be placed into albums. Since I realized this, I have started flashing my camera at an extremely obnoxious rate. I refuse to lose another year of them. They are growing so fast....it seems like they look different every day!

I have a playlist that I listen to when I'm at the shop (because the radio does NOT work inside here!) and it has over 100 of my favorite songs and I just keep it on random all day.  This song by Taylor Swift is one of my favorites. Addie loves it, too. The first time she heard it she asked me, "why does that song keep saying 'never grow up'?" Silly girl. I explained to her that even though mommy wants her to be healthy and grow up to be a big girl, that I really love having her as my little girl for now. I told her that it made me sad to think that one day she may not want to be my baby girl anymore. Since that conversation, she absolutely loves this song. When she hears it, she comes to sit with me and sings it to me. Oh, I'm soo not ready for her to grow up!

I'm happy to say that although my life is still very hectic, I am no longer juggling. I'm extremely content to just hold everything tightly in my hands and keep them close to me while I race around like a crazy person! One day I'm sure that life will slow down. I'm also sure that when that happens, it will mean that my girls are grown. I have no desire to wish my life away just so that I can catch up on all the t.v. I've been missing over the past 4 years. After the girls were born, I felt as if I was learning pretty well to prioritize and avoid anything that kept me from spending time with them. I lost that for a while, but now that I am aware of it...it's all coming back to me pretty easily :)