Follow up to "An Outsider?"

I have had several people in the last few weeks tell me that they have been reading my blog. I am in total shock. And for some reason, I am a little embarrassed. When I started this, I never imagined that anyone would really read it. I just thought it would be a good idea to talk about what was going on in my life. Just my everyday stuff.

As a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), I don't really have anyone to talk to throughout the day (Unless you count the cashier & greeter at Wal Mart) other than my girls. And believe me, the three of us talk a lot, about all sorts of things.....how yummy Addie's play doh cake tastes, how Jesus wants us to be sweet to each other and share, how we will get a time-out if we are not nice, what is for lunch, when daddy will be home, what we should and should not put in the potty, and over and over we discuss what mommy is doing, among many other things.

I guess I just miss a little of the general everday conversation that you get from working outside the home. Like if you get a paper cut and you complain to the person at the desk next to you about how something so small can be such a pain, or when your baby is sick and you get to share stories with the other mom at the office, or when you have a horrible case of poision ivy from yard work and you can get tips on how to make it go away from the guy down the hall......just whatever. Nothing important. Just things that you would normally say to the person next to you.

As a SAHM, I don't get to do that. I really don't miss it or even think about it until something happens and I have to call my mom or Adam at work and bug them to tell them about it. This blog is where I do that kind of stuff. I just talk about whatever is going on or whatever is on my mind. I honestly don't expect anyone to find it interesting. But if someone is reading, I like to think that they are  praying for me about my struggles and trials, and praising with me for my triumphs and successes.

I say all of that to follow up on my previous post, "An Outsider?" I've been thinking about it and I suppose I should probably explain some of the reasons I am still feeling like an outsider.

If you have never done it before, it is pretty difficult to have a normal conversation with someone while your almost three year old is ripping your clothes off as she tries to climb into your arms and your 18 month old is running up and down the aisles grabbing every offering envelope, tissue, pencil, and visitor card she can grab and tossing them into the floor. If you have done it before and didn't consider it to be difficult, please give me a call. I am in desperate need of your secret.

If you know me, you know that I will be late. It doesn't matter who, when, what, or where. I will be late. It is in my blood. I have tried so hard to overcome it, and just can't seem to. The thing is, I despise being late. It is rude and inconsiderate. Because of that, I refuse to walk into a Sunday School class late. I hate to have to make people move over in the middle of the lesson to give me a place to sit. I hate for the teacher to have to start over so I will know what is going on. And I really hate for everyone to look at me when I walk in. If I can't be on time, I refuse to go to class. Even if I do get to church on time, by the time I walk Addie downstairs to class, take Avie to the nursery and get her diaper changed, talk to their teachers, and chat with maybe one person that I walk by in the hall, I am too late to go to my own class. I would also really like for Adam to come and sit with me, but he has to use S.S. time for music, so I'm on my own.

Mr. Wonderful started working late at work a couple of months before Christmas. They had a project that they had to finish before the first of the year, so he started working 50 hour weeks. He usually didn't get home until after 7 pm. Before that we had been attending Wednesday night services pretty regularly. When he started working late, I tried going by myself a couple of times, but it just didn't work out very well. By the new year when he wasn't working late anymore, we were not only out of the habit of going to a mid-week service, but the girls were sick every other week! It was ridiculous. Now that we have talked about wanting to start back on Wednesdays, Mr. Wonderful is working with my dad in the afternoons.

Basically, not having a regular S.S. class or a mid-week service and not really being able to talk to anyone when I am there, it is pretty hard to really get to know anyone. I still truly believe that God placed us in this new church. We felt very strong about the decision to leave our home church and felt very strong about our decision to join our new church. I'm not exactly sure what God has in store for us now. I do know that I am praying about it every day. I would love to be in a place where I know everyone and everyone knows me, but I would rather be in the place that God wants me to be. I want to be in a place where I can be used by Him.

I guess that is also part of why I am feeling frustrated right now. I don't feel like I am doing anything. I don't feel like I'm being used. True, I am extremely busy with the girls. True, they are sometimes wild and out of control. True, I am not always too good at making them behave. But it certainly is NOT true that I am not willing. All day every day my girls go with me and do whatever it is that I am doing. It may not be the most efficient way, but we get things done.

All of these things and more are what has led to my disconnected feeling. I may be frustrated, but I'm not worried because God is in control!!!! He has a plan and it is much greater than anything I can imagine. I know that He is able to use this situation to mold me into what He wants me to be. I'm not sure what that is, but it could have something to do with me getting out of my comfort zone and forcing myself to be outgoing. I secretly hope that isn't it, but don't tell anyone :0)