An Outsider?

Wow, I have so much on my mind right now, I don't even know where to begin.

First of all, I have so much to do that I don't know where to start. I feel like I've been running in place for the last week and haven't really gotten anywhere. I decided to start my cleaning/organizing again because we've been able to go for more than a few days without being sick. The family room is messy and needs to be cleaned, but is still pretty much organized (only because there isn't anything in there!)

So, I started in the laundry room this time. I needed to make enough space to use it as my sewing room. I cleared out everything that didn't belong, threw lots of stuff away, then cleaned & organized what was left. Laundry/Sewing room-done! Hooray!!

Of course, when I cleared out everything that didn't belong in the laundry/sewing room, it landed in the dining room. We currently do not have a dining set, so the girls usually play in there while I'm cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc. So I cleared out everything that didn't belong in there, leaving some of the larger toys, threw lots of stuff away, then cleaned & organized what was left. Dining/Play Area-done! Hooray!!!

Of course, when I cleared out everything that didn't belong in the dining/play area, it landed on the kitchen counter. I haven't done anything with the kitchen yet. Now the dining room floor is filled with sand, toys and shoes are scattered everywhere, laundry is spilling out of the new basket and into the floor, I'm in the middle of three different sewing projects....

What do I do now? Do I leave the kitchen to go back to the other rooms? Will I ever get caught up enough to be able to do one thing at a time? I am completely aware of the fact that this is an incredible "problem" to have. It means that I have a house to live in, clothes & shoes to wear, and kids healthy enough to play outside. I am so thankful for that. I just hate knowing that my house isn't as clean as I want it to be. I can't stand the thought of somebody seeing it like this. (By the way, my dad saw it in the middle of my laundry room clean-up. He literally had to step over piles of things to get into the house. I was mortified. At least it wasn't my mom that saw it. I even threatened dad if he told mom about how bad it looked!) 

On top of the house cleaning/organizing, I still haven't made the girls' Easter dresses yet or Jessie's flip flops. I have thousands (yes thousands) of pictures to organize into albums, TONS of yard work to do-cutting trees, cutting grass, weed eating, spraying, leaves to clean up, stumps to dig up, dirt to move around, mulch to put out, etc. In addition to the to-do list, baseball season has started for my niece and nephews so I have ball games to watch, I have several new recipes I want to try out, need to decide whether to donate or have a yard sale, I want to teach Addie her letters, the weather outside has been beautiful, and all I want to do is go out and play with Adam and the girls!

If I were going to be completely honest with myself, I would admit that none of those things listed above are really what's been on my mind lately. Those things have a fairly simple solution. I just do whatever I'm able to do at the time depending on what is going on and what the girls are doing. Those are every day things. What has really been weighing on my mind doesn't seem to have a simple solution.

I have been feeling a little "lost" lately. "Lost" as in location. "Location" as in home. "Home" as in church home. I've told you before that Adam and I met at church. My parents moved their membership when I was in the 6th grade. Before that we had attended the same church since before I was born. When we started going to the new place, I felt out of place. I was the only girl in my Sunday school class. The boys in class were all either related to each other or had known each other all their life. The teacher was the mother of one of the boys in class. Can you say awkward? My sisters were both in the youth and they sat with them during service while I sat with my parents. I felt like I just didn't belong. It took years for me to feel any better about being there, and even longer to feel like I really belonged. 

Adam and I grew up at that church. The people there knew us when we were little. They watched us grow up. They watched us make the decision to turn our lives over to Christ. They were there when the two of us were in high school and argued so much that we couldn't be in the same room. They were there when the two of us became best friends. And when we started dating. And when we moved off to college and back home again.

They were the first people we told we were engaged. They watched us get married. They were there for us when we lost Baby and Anna Sue. They prayed for us and with us when we found out we were expecting Addie. They mentored us and supported us and held us accountable. They trusted us with their children when we felt called into youth ministry. They trusted us with the church when they called Adam to be a deacon.

Even when they disagreed with us, they wanted the best for us. They gave us an opportunity to explore different areas of ministry that we probably wouldn't have had anywhere else. Music, sound, maintenance, babies, toddlers, pre-teens, teenagers, teaching, event planning, van ministry, counseling, decorating, outreach, hosting, cooking, cleaning, kitchen crew........I don't know that I can think of anything at that church that we didn't have the opportunity, the invitation, or the expectation to somehow be a part of or to help out with.

Our family was at that church. Our friends were at that church. We were there every Wednesday and Sunday. Because we were involved in so many things, most of the time we never went home on Sunday. We went out with our church friends every Sunday night. If we ever did anything with friends, it was with friends from church. We knew everyone there and everyone there knew us.

It was heart-breaking when we felt like God was leading us in a different direction. We ignored it for a long time and tried to make it work so that we could stay, but it was finally clear that God wanted us to be somewhere else. Someone told us once that we would never be able to reach our full potential in ministry until we left our "home church." I'm not sure if this is true or not, but it certainly seemed to be what God was telling us at the time.

With an almost 8 month old Addie in my arms and Adam's hand in mine, we walked through the doors of a new church. It was a terrifying experience. It was so difficult being the visitor. It was something we were not very good at. After several months of visiting, we felt led to move our membership.

Over two years later, we are a part of the nursery/toddler ministry, Adam is a part of the music ministry, I've helped out with the children's choir, we participated in the Christmas play, I'm a part of the food ministry, we attend every week that the girls aren't sick (which hasn't been too often since Christmas), we were attending regularly on Wednesday nights but had to stop, we went for Wed. night meals, I helped out a teacher for bible school, we've been to a S.S. Christmas party, been to a women's ornament swap, went to Trunk of Treats, helped out with a women's conference, tried out a women's bible study during the week, tried three different S.S. classes, both girls attend Sunday school, we've invited friends and family to attend, and we try to participate in/attend most events that are available.

After over two years, all of these things and more, I still feel like a visitor. I just don't understand. I hate feeling like the new kid. I hate for things to feel awkward. I just want to be comfortable there. I want it to feel like home. I know that it never will be home. Nothing can replace the people from our "home church" who have shared so much of our lives. Nothing will replace the connection that we have with them. That is not what I expect nor is it what I want. I just want the people at this place to share our lives now. I want to have a new connection with them.

Why am I so bad at being the new person? What am I supposed to do to make it better? They all know each other and each other's stories the way that our "home church" knows us and ours. How do you break into that and become a real part of it and not feel like an outsider?