Baby and Anna Sue Roberts

Today turned out to be a really tough day. The pain and sadness I feel has caught me very off guard. Last weekend when Adam was putting Avie's shelf back on the wall, he brought a shadow box in the room and asked if I would like him to put it up for me. I had made that box years ago and we just never could hang it. I said sure and showed him where to put it. It was a very difficult task for him, not because he isn't a good handyman (because he really is), but because of what the box contains and what it means.

In my first blog I told about how I always wanted to marry my best friend and have babies. My best friend and I started dating December 31, 2001, we got engaged on July 4, 2003, and we were married on May 1, 2004. We were ready to start a family right away. We found out we were expecting in June of 2004. We were thrilled. Life was wonderful. We went to the doctor for a check-up on August 4, and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I fell apart. I felt as though my world was crumbling around me. How could this be happening? I was so close to the 12th week. That is when everything is supposed to be okay. How could this be happening? I was crying so uncontrollably that they wouldn't let me walk through the waiting room. I had to exit through the employee door. We went back on August 5, Adam's birthday, for my D&C.

I felt so lost and alone. Why? Was I being punished? Did this happen to me because of the things I had done in my past? I wasn't that person anymore...is it really fair to punish me for things from so long ago? I was so hurt and so angry and so sad and so confused. I didn't know what to do or think or feel or say. I had nowhere to go. Nowhere to turn to. Nobody really knew how I felt. But as Adam and I now say, when you fall flat on your back, you have nowhere to look but up. And that is exactly what we did. We turned our eyes upon Jesus, and even though it still hurt, we no longer felt the need to question it.

Adam & I were both raised in church. He was saved at bible school when he was about 11 years old. I felt Jesus calling me at about that same age, but for some reason I resisted. I spent the next several years trying to quiet that voice with destructive behavior, but it didn't work. I just felt guilty all the time. I finally gave up and turned my heart over to Jesus when I was a senior in high school. I just had a hard time getting over the guilt of my past. I just couldn't comprehend grace. It took a couple of years, but I slowly began to turn my life over to Christ. This was about the same time Adam & I started dating. He was beginning to make some life changes also, and we worked on it together. There were just still some things that we were having a hard time letting go of.

We chose to name the baby, "Baby," because we weren't far enough along to find out the sex. After losing Baby we no longer had any desire to be a part of the world or what it had to offer. We knew having an intimate relationship with Christ was all we needed. We asked for forgivness for our anger and questioning. As time passed, the pain faded. We had peace about it. Adam and I were stronger and closer than we had ever been.

In November 2005 we found out we were expecting. We had been trying for almost a year. We were a little cautious, but mostly thrilled. Our due date was August 5. In March we found out we were having a girl. A beautiful baby girl!! We named her Anna Sue after my mother and Adam's. From the beginning of the pregnancy, I would get nervous every time I went to the doctor. I wasn't really showing. The baby usually measured a little behind, but I knew my dates weren't wrong. Every time someone would make a comment about how small I was to be so far along (they were attempting to pay a compliment) it would make my stomach turn. I knew in my heart that something wasn't right.

In May 2006 I went in and measured three weeks too small. They did an ultrasound and could see some fluid around Anna Sue's heart. I was angry. How could God let this happen? How could He do this to me again? Why even let me get pregnant in the first place if He was just going to take this baby from me? I remember sitting in church one Sunday listening to the preacher talk about how God made the heavens and the earth and how He spins it in orbit and how perfect it all has to be to work right. I was furious. If God can make an entire universe perfect so that it works correctly, why can He make my little baby work right? I got up and walked out of the service.

They sent us to a specialist at UAB who saw a problem with her heart valve and believed she may have a chromosome defect called Trisomy 18. With Trisomy 18 there is no chance of long term survival. The chromosome #18 is the largest and it holds the most information. If it contains the wrong info, the body does not know how to perform the functions necessary to sustain life. The effects are heart problems and severe mental retardation among many others. He wanted me to do an amnio but I refused because of the risk to Anna Sue. We then saw a cardiac pediatrician. Then we went to see another specialist. Then another.

I was hurting so badly and I had so many questions. One day when Adam wasn't home, I broke down. I had tried to stay strong most of the time and when people asked about things my answer was just, we just have to wait and see. But that day I fell to my knees in the bathroom. I cried out loud, "God, where are you? I need you so badly right now. I can't handle this, but I know You can." I asked God to forgive me for all those horrible thoughts and feelings I had in my heart. I asked Him to give me a clean heart. I asked God to forgive me for not turning to Him sooner. I asked God to take away my anger. I asked Him to take away my questions. I asked Him to give me the strength to pray for His will to be done. I told Him that if Anna Sue had to be sick, to help me fulfill her purpose. I prayed for what seemed like hours on that bathroom floor. And when I finally found the strength to stand, I also found that God had covered me with an amazing peace. I was still so full of sorrow, but I had peace about whatever the future held for Anna Sue.

I eventually gave in and agreed to the amnio....she was Trisomy 18. I, again, prayed for God's will to be done. I prayed for peace and strength. And He provided it in ways I could have never imagined. When people asked, I could honestly answer that I was just taking it one day at a time. Over the next few weeks I was able to really enjoy my pregnancy with Anna Sue even more than before I found out she was sick. I talked to her constantly. I sang to her. I prayed for her. I really got to know her. She would respond to me with repetitive kicks when I talked. She was a fighter. She was a stronger person than me. I would have loved to meet her face to face. But that just wasn't in God's plan.

I felt terrible at work one day, and before I went home I remember telling a coworker that I felt like I was 9 1/2 months pregnant and 500 pounds. I came home and went straight to bed. As I lay there trying to rest, Anna Sue was bumping around like crazy. I called Adam into the room and we both just sat there enjoying her for a long time. I went into labor later that night. I couldn't be positive that I was having contractions, because I wasn't far enough along to take my delivery classes. I wasn't sure what to do so Adam took me to the doctor's office that morning where they did an ultrasound. No heartbeat. Anna Sue was delivered stillborn on June 27, 2006.
Adam and I chose to have a private graveside service for immediate family. We left the cemetery and went to our church where our family and friends were waiting to feed us. I was extremely sad, but felt very peaceful the entire day. I continually found myself comforting those around me. Over and over I heard people say how strong I was. I wasn't strong though. I wasn't even strong enough to stand...I was being carried.

I don't know why it took me so long to pray for God's will to be done. I will always remember that flood of peace that came over me that day. I believe that may be a part of Anna Sue's purpose. She was so tiny and she made an impact on so many people. I believe that as long as I continue to tell her story, her purpose will continue to be fulfilled. It is up to me to share this testimony about how incredible God's grace is and how when the world crumbles around you, even if you feel shaken, He will see that you do not fall. All you have to do is call out to Him. He is faithful and He will answer.

When researching Trisomy 18 I found a poem on a support group site. I wrote it down and stuck it on my fridge. It was read at Anna Sue's service. It is now framed in my kitchen so that I can be constantly reminded of God's promise.

God never promised days without pain,

Laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain.

But He did promise strength for the day,

Comfort for the tears, and a Light for the way.

The shadow box I mentioned earlier contains Anna Sue's things. Dried flowers, a picture of the dress she is wearing, her New Testament, and the newspaper clipping from her obituary. I was okay the day Adam brought it to me and even smiled talking about her. But today I just couldn't be so strong. I got out her pictures. I wished to have her in my arms. I missed getting to be her mommy. As I tucked those pictures away, I prayed again for God's will to be done. I prayed again for strength and peace. I prayed again for her purpose to be fulfilled.

This post is my way of continuing to fulfill her purpose. Please know that God loves you. When nobody knows what you are going through, He does. Accept Him into your heart as your Savior. Accept the incredible grace that He longs to give you. Allow Him to be the Lord of your life. Learn to pray for His will and not your own. Cry out to Him and He will give you peace beyond understanding. Praise Him in the storms of your life, not just in the good times. Most of all, be sure to fulfill your purpose. We were all put here to serve Him.